You know what? I’m forty-mumble years old, I have no girlfriend or wife, I have no prospects of having a girlfriend or wife, so I have no one to worry about passing off. Except other guys. and they can go scratch.

So, ladies, here are nine secrets about men you should know.

Oh, and if you think this is mansplaining, eff off. I’m a man, you’re not, there are a few things I know that you don’t. What it’s like to be a man is one of them.

Your Body is the Bare Minimum Thing We Want

Yes, some guys are all about the poontang, but by and large, most guys aren’t. When it comes to women’s bodies there are only a few standards most of us have. Your body must have all the necessary parts in decent working order. (Sorry, transgender folks, most of us won’t date you. Life sucks sometimes.) It must be clean and well kept. There must be something about it that is attractive. And that’s really it. Truly so. Basically, it’s like searching for a car. Women spend so much time trying to make themselves sexy and desirable, but let me tell you, if you’re trying to attract a man, you really don’t have to do all that much physically. It’s the rest of you that makes or breaks the deal. And in fact, if you try too hard, it’s offputting.

Beauty Gets Boring

There really are some spectacularly beautiful women out there. But truth be told, no matter how beautiful the woman, if the body is all we have to judge, frankly, it gets old. We do like a beautiful body. It’s true. But soon we start to see the imperfections, and it gets pretty old. It’s like the saying goes: no matter how beautiful the woman, someone, somewhere, is sick of her crap. It’s true. I would rather have a good, average woman than a nasty bombshell.

We’re Going to Look, But…

I’ve never understood why women think men looking in passing at other women is a sign of unfaithfulness. It’s not. We’re hard wired to love beauty. But if all we do is glance every now and then, it’s nothing to be concerned with. There are other signs you need to be far more concerned with, but looking? You’re not gonna break us of that. We’re just wired for it. In fact, about half the time, when we look, it’s more of a “I saw something interesting, did I see what I thought I saw?” than anything more prurient.

If we stare, though, you should tell us off. There’s a line.

I have caught myself, on more than one occasion, staring completely unconsciously at a woman’s chest. I didn’t even know I was doing it. It was embarrassing. But we do that sometimes.

We do Feel Stuff

Men are trained from a young age not to show their feelings, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have them. And nothing hurts us more than a woman – especially one we love – rejecting us. Sometimes it’s necessary, I agree, but some women seem to think men are just emotionless male organs. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sometimes we even cry. Manly tears, I guess, but we do sometimes nonetheless. Don’t laugh at us for it.

Sometimes a Nice Guy is a Nice Guy. And Sometimes Not.

Women have become kind of jaded recently, and think that men being “Nice guys” is a form of abuse or control. Not sure what the right word is. And sometimes you’re right. Sometimes men do put in kindness and expect sex to be dispensed.

But not every man is like that.

Some men are jerks. Some men are aggressive. Some men are nasty people. Some men are manipulative. Some men are sensitive. Some are shy. Some are just afraid of rejection. Your attention is a powerful thing, did you know that? Sometimes we just don’t know how to approach you.

Feminism isn’t Attractive

Now this one could be a bit controversial, so let me preface this point with this: I’m not talking about things like independence, women’s rights, etc. Most men don’t have an issue with that. But you can’t run around saying things like “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” and expect to attract any kind of man that isn’t going to let you walk all over him. Maybe that’s what you want. I dunno.

If you want to be single, etc., more power to you. But if you really want to find something meaningful with a man who actually is… a man, you might want to check the more extreme stuff at the door. Let him open the door for you sometimes. Let him pick up the check. It’s not about control, men just like to do those kinds of things for those they care about. It makes us feel… manly. It’s nice to feel manly sometimes.

We Like to Protect Things

Men protect stuff. It’s in our genes. We protect our property, our women, our children. We even protect our hearts and our feelings. It’s just what we do. One of the greatest struggles many men have is how to balance that with letting people be who they are, etc.

Sometimes we get it wrong. It’s a drive that can easily become damaging and that, obviously, shouldn’t be tolerated. But the drive itself is just what it is. Let us be men.

You are a Comfort to Us

One thing I honestly don’t think women realize is just how comforting they can be. Men seek refuge with their women. It’s not safety, really, but it’s a kind of home. And when that’s ripped away, it can hurt. When you give yourselves to us too easily, that comfort is laced with insecurity, and I think that insecurity is one reason why relationships sometimes don’t work out.

Yea, men do like women’s bodies. It’s hard for us to resist them. But the smarter among us realize that the body without the heart is empty and only leads to pain.

Which leads to the last point.

Taking it Slow is not Rejection

And this is the last and final point. Some men really want to hop into bed, but some don’t. Some recognize that taking that step too soon can, and often (but not always) does, lead to disaster. Sometimes we will tell you no, or at least not now. That is not rejection. It can be a sign that we’re serious about you. And honestly if you push too hard, for that kind of guy, it can be a dealbreaker.

Men are more complex creatures than we appear. We have feelings, hopes, dreams, drives, and everything you have – but it’s also a little different for us. If you treat us well, most of us will return the favor. And those who don’t, well, you can do better, and the right guy is out there. I hope this list at least made you think. Flames in the comments, I suppose.