Every now and then I post on this topic.  Both because it needs to be said, and because it’s a topic very close to my heart… for whatever reason.

I’m very intelligent.  One of the most intelligent people you’ll meet.  Maybe the most, but there’s always someone smarter, or better, so that’s not at all guaranteed.  There are people smarter than I am.  Not many.  There are also people who are not smarter, but are much more skilled or have more domain knowledge on a particular topic.  People with higher IQ, maybe, too.  I don’t really think that’s anything more than a good directional indicator of intelligence, but maybe it’s of some use, anyway.

People think I’m bragging when I say this and I think they resent it.  Don’t.  I’m serious.  Don’t resent it.  I’m not bragging.  If anything, it’s a lamentation, and it makes me profoundly sad.  I’m going to tell you why.

One of my favorite books of the Bible is Ecclesiastes, because that’s a guy that, thousands of years ago, understands exactly what I’m trying to tell you here.  He starts out saying that he has everything in the world he could ever want, and it’s all worthless.  Then he says he got all the wisdom and knowledge he could want, and it’s also worthless.  He goes for like twenty-one chapters telling us, methodically, how nothing in the world is worth anything at all.  And my favorite part, at the end, is that the Teacher doesn’t have the answers either.  And the end, he just says to love God, and work hard, and hope it all comes to something eventually.

And really, that’s the only advice you can possibly give.  Because at this level of intelligence, it becomes clear that even intelligence itself is worthless, just as with everything else, and there aren’t any other answers.

There is a level of intelligence where even the intelligence itself becomes worthless, because the truly important things have nothing at all to do with intelligence.

Those who aren’t intelligent, or aren’t as intelligent, don’t know this.  I envy them.  They get to enjoy life.

In popular culture, there is this romanticized notion of intelligence.  You’ll see it in anime, in teen comedies, and elsewhere too.  The intelligent people have these fantastical gadgets, can make chemical formulas that can do almost anything, wear white lab coats and take about half a day to come up with truly groundbreaking scientific theories that either liberate or enslave everyone they touch.  That’s not what intelligence really looks like.  I mean, yes, that’s a form of intelligence, and scientists, chemists, etc., have come up with some truly amazing and groundbreaking things.

Intelligence really looks like that depressed guy who has the haunted look in his eyes, who kind of minds his own business, and just waits for it all to end, someday.  Because he knows it will.  Maybe he’ll write a blog where he posts about stuff you don’t understand or care about, maybe he’ll express confusion at how people can actually be happy but envious of them nonetheless.  Maybe if you get him going, he’ll tell you about things that you just dismiss as unimportant or crazy, but they’re really the most important things in the world and you just don’t know.  But he’ll also tell you that those important things don’t have any answers for things that really matter, and that eventually everything humanity has ever accomplished will disappear in a heat death, and then what’s left?

And how can you argue that?  Because it’s true.

It’s a curse.  One of the worst curses to be inflicted on any person, I think.  I personally have thrown myself into education, etc., because it’s just a way to distract myself from reality.   And it works, to a degree.  My practice, my studies, my endeavors… give me something to think about where I’m not brooding on things that are inevitable and can’t be controlled.  Even Japanese, I basically started studying Japanese, partially, because it’s difficult and gives me something to do.  Can I take it with me when I go?  No.  Not at all.  And I know it.

Did you know there’s a thought that leads to insanity?  I mean, if I follow it through to any kind of depth at all, I can feel my brain starting to slip a little, and i have to pull away from the thought.  I won’t say what it is here… I think I’ve said it previously.  Let’s just say it involves the notion of anything exists at all being completely impossible, and leave it at that.  Most people can’t follow into that thought.  I can.  And I can’t let myself.  Because it’s one of the most destructive thoughts that exist.

So…  I hope it’s clear.   I’m not bragging.  Being this intelligent does have some advantages.  I’d be disingenuous if I said otherwise.  I’ve been able to pick up many (but not all) things very quickly and with very little formal education.  I think it’s only because of my formidable intelligence that I was able to somewhat transcend my absolutely miserable childhood and kinda sorta make something of myself – right up until I can’t anymore.  And it does open a lot of doors into some very interesting stuff and very interesting thoughts that are fascinating to study and think about.  I try to explain some of them here.  I don’t do a very good job communicating them (because sometimes they’re almost impossible to communicate) but I try.  Most people don’t even understand what I’m trying to tell them – and some try to argue them with me when they don’t even understand what they’re arguing.  But I feel like explaining some of these things is valuable, so I try anyway.  Some might see it as “cold and rational”…  maybe it is.  But the world, the Universe itself, is cold and rational, at least when it comes to its operations. 

Happiness lies elsewhere.  In other realms.  Not here.

But even with all those advantages, if I had the choice of being of average intelligence, and happy…  well, I can’t say I wouldn’t give it up in a heartbeat.

As I said… happiness lies elsewhere.  You can find success in intelligence.  You can find answers in intelligence.  You can find questions in intelligence – some of which don’t have answers, not because the answers are inaccessible, but because they are impossible.  But you cannot find happiness.  That is something that intelligence not only cannot give you, but actively masks, actively destroys, and those who don’t realize this are truly the most happy people.

And sometimes I envy that.  No, I constantly envy that.

Intelligence is a curse.  Don’t ask for it.  Don’t want it.  The truly intelligent among us don’t really want it.  All it does is cause pain, in the end.  Or, maybe more accurately, makes us acutely aware of the pain that is already endemic and most people can’t see.

This, by the way, is why I believe in God.  Not because I like him.  I actually, kinda don’t, because he created this situation in the first place.  But because I’ve met him, and if he didn’t exist, then there truly would be absolutely no point to anything, and thinking otherwise belies a lack of intelligence that, maybe, is what enables people like atheists to exist in the first place.  You don’t have to be intelligent to believe in God, but you have to be intelligent to see why his existence is absolutely necessary.  Because if he did not exist, then that thought that leads to insanity?  It’s actually the most sane thought there is, and the universe itself is insane, believing it somehow exists when there’s nothing to exist.  You can think that makes me dumb if you want.  It doesn’t matter.  I can’t explain it to people unequipped to understand, as much as I might try.

If you want to know why I wrote Lily… well… I think that is one reason, and maybe a big one.  Lily is smart, but she is not that smart.  She is slightly above average intelligence, with a bit of divine help.  And in her world.. she is happy.  The big questions don’t really faze her… nor should they.  She’s happy, her friends are happy, she has fun and loves life.  She’s not smart enough to realize why that’s so difficult.  And I wanted to write that happiness… even if I can’t experience it myself.