Over the past couple of days, I watched an anime that I almost regret watching. It was good. I mean, it was really good. And it asked a question, well, a lot of questions, that made me take a long look at my life, and realize, something’s very wrong.

The plot of the story revolves around a mysterious organization that found a NEET and somehow made it possible for him to go back to high school for a year.

Even just this premise made me think: what would happen if I had the same opportunity? And would I be someone they think would benefit from it in the first place?

And the answer is, I’d fuck it up, and yes.

But the question it made me ask myself, maybe the most important question for me, is, am I a NEET?

Clearly, by the very definition of the word, the answer is “no”. I’m employed. I have a decent job and they seem to think I do a decent job at it. So I’m not a NEET.

But let’s toss the definition of the word aside, and broaden the definition of the word to something a little more “spiritual” than just the by-the-letter definition of the word.

This is a question I’d never asked myself, because, truth be told, I haven’t been too unhappy with my life as is. Now, flipping the script, I haven’t been too happy with my life, either. I’ve been remarkably depressed over the last few months and have had a difficult time figuring out why. But, I mean, in almost all ways but one, I guess my life is pretty good. I have a decent place to live, eat fairly well (though I’m trying and failing to lose weight), some money to spare… by all standards but one my life is okay.

But that “but one” is a big one. I have few to no friends, I do not interact with people, when I do I’m careful to keep boundaries and not get too close. Not only do I not have any meaningful interaction, I don’t even know how to have meaningful interaction with people. It’s like Hishino from Relife said: I don’t even know where to begin.

I don’t even know if I want to begin.

And if I were to return to high school – or my high school years, if we’re being honest, because I never went to high school – it would be just as bad, because I would be just as unapproachable and professional about my environment. I might be bullied, but it wouldn’t matter, because I’d have such distance from people I’d have no expectations of a normal social life, much less anything even approaching one. And it was the same in actual school, or those years of my life.

And now those times are gone. I’m nearly fifty years old. Those times are supposed to be formative, and I missed them. And now, people expect me to have had those formative experiences and behave in the kind of ways that high school might teach, through experience or otherwise, and I don’t. I just plain don’t. So I can’t interact with people in any meaningful way, and I mess it up every time I try.

But the realization itself is valuable. I probably wouldn’t benefit from a “return” to high school because the damage is too deep and too ingrained, and the gap would be too great. Because it was too great even when I went to high school.

The truth is, putting aside whether I want to fix it or even think there’s anything to be fixed (and the jury’s out on that), I don’t know if I could. It’s too late. It’s been too late for years. and now all I can do is try to live out my remaining days, eking out what little humanity I can out of life.

I love this kind of anime. It makes me think. It asks questions that are difficult to answer, and, like Sound! Euphonium, it has the chance to actually change my life. If, of course, I can figure out what to do with the questions it asks.

And this is also why I hate this kind of anime.

Maybe I should restart psychotherapy.